A Travellerspoint blog

Late night tales from a newfound man

Attraction. Pleasure. Attachment. Fulfillment. Satisfaction. Boredom.

I have spent most of my existence trying to figure out a lot of stuff about life, myself and the world around me. This blog itself is a testament to that with a lot of introspection I had over the past 6 years. And, to be honest, until some weeks/months ago I thought I had grasped the key elements to lead a fulfilling and satisfactory journey on this Earth. For years I have been (or trying to) deprogramming myself from all the conditioning present in our lives from the moment we are born. From an early age I started to ask questions and was lucky enough to find many answers in books, music, films, experiences or people I have met along the way. I thought I was going in the right direction: free from any attachment to money, comfort, power, career or whatever other materialistic instruments of dependence our society fiercely tries to impose on each one of us, I was feeling ready to fully embrace existence and experience it in all possible ways.

However, as the years passed, I started to notice a pattern in my life. A frequent repetition of the same events and the same situations, as if in some kind of an endless replay of similar phenomena that wouldn’t go away, no matter what. And the older I got, the more helpless I started feeling, especially after all the decisions I have made that led me to a terrible winter in Warsaw and gave me the opportunity to contemplate my own life.

And for a while, I have to admit that I had a hard time looking at all that and still feel optimist about the future, my future. I started to worry whether I would be able to finally break free from those cycles or if I was doomed to live them over and over again until the very end. For the first time in many years I started doubting my own path. I couldn’t find a satisfactory answer anywhere. I was feeling trapped and, at the same time, disappointed for still not being able to shatter those vicious cycles affecting my life and damaging my peacefulness. In one word, I was frustrated and scared.

And then the light came again. All it took was a tiny, tiny book, recommended by a friend. In those pages lies the answer to all the doubts I was having. And I finally could see the way to break the cycle. I realized I had spent 33 years of my life figuring out a lot of important stuff but I had taken for granted the most important element and the one I always thought was naturally incorporated in me, the one I thought was actually one of my strongest features: how to properly LOVE and experience life knowing what love really means. How wrong and deluded I was…

Reading that book was like being mentally beaten, almost every page contained some life lesson to me, something that would completely obliterate my previous beliefs about what love means. I often felt ignorant and kind of an idiot for never having been able to realize such things, which now seem so obvious. But at the same time (and the book is all about becoming aware), I started to feel peace in being aware of my own misconceptions, my wrong views. Then again I started to contemplate my life and the path became again clear and vivid. All the clouds went away, all the doubts vanished and I could envision a future completely free from the shackle called ATTACHMENT, in all its forms, whether it’s love, money, success or whatever drags us to frustration and unhappiness sooner or later.

I’m aware that it is not going to be easy to change. It’s going to take a lot of effort and even a lot of resilience to endure the opposing forces, both internal and external, that will be always present in this world. The book argues that most of people are asleep during their short lives and most of them will inevitably reject all and every potential disturbance to their “sleep”. They won’t even dare to wake up and search for the TRUTH. They will settle for some story they are told from day one and they will die without ever having truly lived. But that’s none of my business and the trick is to embrace everyone and their differences, even their blissful ignorance.

For all it’s worth, I believe that now I see the way ahead of me and that’s all I need…

PS - Those who know me, know my tendency to remember dates. Although it's over midnight now, I started writing this post on April 13th. One year ago, I had flown to Italy for a short vacation. On that day, I drove through the beautiful landscapes of Tuscany as the sun was going down. Sitting next to me was the most beautiful woman in the world whose hand I was holding while we listened to the songs in my ipod . The beauty of the moment was so unbearable that tears of joy started running through our faces as we looked at each other. No words were needed, they would only have diminished the pure connection we felt in that moment. I guess that love was traveling with us in those unforgettable minutes. Just that and other moments long before and long after compensate for all the suffering that life contains.

Today, one year later, I had the utmost normal day a person can have. Nonetheless, and although my mind often reminded me of Tuscany, I'm sitting in my room, looking through the window as I write these words and happy to go to sleep without feeling sad but rather happy and blessed for all that I have and don't have anymore.

All that matters is the REALITY OF NOW.

Posted by ZackMeursault 14:15 Archived in Poland Comments (0)

Bieszczady Mountains - the base for people with mist

A few Mondays ago, while sitting in the empty dining room of the hut I was staying in Wetlina and recollecting all the events from the day, I wrote on my personal journal: Will today be the first day of a new life? I was alone in the room, silence reigned, the lights were dim and through the windows I could see nothing but complete darkness. And yet, filled with serenity I feared nothing nor I felt sad nor happy nor worried nor confused. I felt capable of facing my ordinary life, my problems, my doubts and live beyond that. There is something greater than life, within life itself. That is what I aspired to start doing when I wrote those words. That is also the sturdy willingness to confront life that the mountain generates in me.

Unlike a regular walk in the city, every step I give while in the mountain is purposeful, it is a step towards a higher point, both literally and metaphorically. At the same time, all the distractions present in ordinary life disappear, it is just me and the unknown path ahead. The fact that I am alone also creates a sense of urgency, in the sense that a slight distraction or a wrong move might put me in a difficult situation. While walking on the trail I know that my whole life is condensed into that moment and that moment is the only thing that matters. Therefore I feel complete.

The mountain gives me a simple mission. It makes me disciplined and patient. Simple things like having a shower or eating after a long day outdoors are almost divine moments. The warm water running through the tired body soothes not only the muscles but also the soul. Food tastes a million times better and gently comforts the famished stomach.

(to be continued...maybe!)


Posted by ZackMeursault 06:03 Archived in Poland Comments (0)

PORTO. "The Unvanquished City" - Part II

the adult years (2012-2015)

As I left work today it was snowing here in Warsaw. A gentle, soft snow covering everything in white and muffling all the sounds of the big city. While walking home, I realized how this has become my reality and it almost feels like this has been like that my whole life. As I got home my mind was somehow dragged to 2013 and I remembered a video I made that summer, somehow depicting my life in Porto around that time. I immediately searched for it in my computer and watched it. What a stark contrast in colour and scenario! Sun, beach, light! I was filled with nostalgia, but the good kind of nostalgia! The one that makes us smile and feel warm inside, knowing that the past was amazing but also that it belongs exactly there, in the past.

Then I also remembered that I had written once a post in this blog about my first years in Porto (2001-2008) and that I had never written the second part about the period 2012-2015. So on a random night here in cold Warsaw in early 2017 and rather than writing about those years, I will let the images speak for themselves and show a part of my life back then. A kind of full circle.

It's been only 4 years since that video was made, but it's impressive how through the images I can see how much the city has changed since then. I guess I must continue recording my life here in Warsaw as well. This city is changing rapidly and I might not be here for long. Who knows where or when the winds of change will blow me away?!

Hopefully some of these images and places will be familiar to some of you that visited the city already and bring good memories as well! Oh and by the way, Maceda, my eternal beach looks glorious as always! Songs are from Sigur Ros.

Posted by ZackMeursault 14:44 Archived in Portugal Comments (0)

One year in Poland. The dice keeps rolling.


Tomorrow marks the day I arrived in Warsaw, exactly one year ago. I've been picturing this day in my head for the past weeks. I imagined I'd take some time for myself tonight, sit in front of the laptop with a couple of beers near me and start going through the past 12 months. The problem is that there's so much to talk about the past year, so many emotions, so many moments that I really don't feel like going through all of that. Tomorrow I need to wake up at 6am to go give a tennis lesson before work so I really can't spend all night reminiscing. I also don't think I could create some kind of order in my thoughts and transform them into words. Still, I have my beers, my music and life feels beautiful right now, so I will mark the occasion with some thoughts and hopefully make some sense of it all for future recollection.

One year in Waw. Wow! I just came back home from a tennis lesson. Despite the cold, I took a Veturillo from my place to Legia Tennis Club and once more felt like Pedro, the 12 year old kid riding the bike in his village, 20 years ago. Warsaw is now my village, which I like to explore on a bike, often in the night when the city it's quiet and people are hiding from the cold. What a great feeling it is to put my headphones and ride along the empty streets as fast as I can, feeling the fresh wind in my face and experience greatness.

One year here. I love Warsaw and I fell madly in love in Warsaw during this first year. That kind of love that makes you superhuman. That kind of love that floods you with endless energy and turns every day, every little moment with your loved one in something unforgettable. That kind of love that makes you want to do the craziest things. That kind of love that remains in every corner of the city, in every little detail of your life. That kind of love that is so intense that will inevitably and unbearably consume itself in a heartbeat. That kind of love I live for (yes I still love you hopelessly, "Emm"!)

One year away from the beach, from my Maceda. People ask me how could I switch the ocean for this? Well, I love the ocean and I love my beach, but I also love the fact that here I built a life where I have time and mental energy to learn new things. I'm trying to learn polish and also electric guitar. I suck in both so far, but both actually make me happy and every little improvement is a source of great joy. Also, recently I started practicing and playing tennis tournaments again! The amount of great sensations and feelings I have when on a tennis court is hard to put into words. Let's just say that a tennis court is like home to me and every time I play I feel like the kid that wanted to be Word Number One in tennis. The older I get, the more important is for me to keep the child inside me. I believe that the more life fucks you up and shows how hard it can be, the more you need to fight back by keeping the dreamer inside you instead of becoming bitter and cynical about life.

One year in Poland. I have to confess I didn't expect society here to be so close to the portuguese one. People often disagree with me, but no matter what, religion and family are two key pillars of polish society, in my humble opinion. I don't want to talk much about the nationalist vibe that perspires a bit all over the country, especially in smaller towns, because I haven't felt it directly. I rather focus on how much people seem to be dependent on friends and family here. In that sense, and although in Portugal is quite similar, I seem to share a more Nordic approach to life, typically less dependent from religion and generally more individualistic. I think Polish society is still quite conservative and not that innovative. Hope I'm not being too controversial :)

One year has passed. I feel like i've done a million things but ended somehow in the starting point. I wonder where I will be one year from now. Can't really tell. I know what I want but I guess sometimes things are really not under our control. Actually nothing is really under our control. We basically just need to get by during the hard times as best as we can and enjoy the good times when they happen.

One year and TEAM ETCAF still lives! Sometimes I wonder if some people look at me and think that, at 33, I should be in a "better" situation regarding my "career". You know what I mean. I have to confess that I think more and more in that, but I always end up reaching the same conclusion: no matter what society thinks, I feel accomplished enough after building a tennis school from scratch and turning into the beautiful thing that TEAM ETCAF was/is. And I never regret leaving it behind as I did. I sticked to my beliefs and there's nothing more liberating than follow your heart and mind. Oh, and seeing TEAM ETCAF alive and well in Poland is all I could ask for. Great conditions to practice, great students, the same spirit as always! That's rewarding enough! But I surely miss the great people (kids and their parents) that supported my project in Portugal. They're all in my heart, forever.

It's getting late. One year ago, shortly before moving here I wrote a post and mentioned something I had discovered during a concert back then (thank you, Caspian!). A poem from Bukowski. Tonight I will copy it again, because it says it all:

Roll the Dice

"if you're going to try, go all the
otherwise, don't even start.

if you're going to try, go all the
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,

isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you'll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you're going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, it's
the only good fight
there is."

I'll never stop trying and I will keep going all the way.

Much love to all.

Posted by ZackMeursault 13:39 Archived in Poland Comments (0)

Tatra Mountains, Poland - sense of wonder still intact

Part I

I'm going to start this post about my 3 day hiking trip to the Tatra Mountains with a conclusion: I feel like it was the most epic thing I have done since my trip to the States in 2012. I have been to many places since then, flying solo or with company and I've had some great times, but one key element was missing all the time. And that was the ability to be completely overwhelmed, to be filled with absolute inner peace and to mentally embrace all the challenges in my life ahead with a stoic resilience. I guess I might have reached some state of mindfulness. It's unbelievable how amongst an insane state of physical exhaustion, my spirit was flying high in the sky. And I just kept going, going, going, feeling all and everything at the same time.


Back to the start of the trip, I have decided to do it when I returned from Portugal in early September, hoping to explore that part of Poland before the winter. I hadn't been really impressed with any type of landscape here in Poland so far and I was curious to see the Morskie Oko lake and the mountains around. Heard only good things and had seen amazing pictures. I also wanted to do it alone because I believe this kind of trip is more transcendent if we are alone.

I also decided to do this trip in the cheapest way possible. I didn't want comfort or shortcuts, I wanted to endure it fully and completely, trying to be as close to a simple life as possible. In most of my previous trips, I often made choices based on comfort and never stuck to the budget. This time I wanted it to be different, with no easy way out. And so it was.

Sunday the 25th. I left Warsaw at 4pm on a crowded bus towards Zakopane which would arrive there at 11pm. For practical reasons, I had planned to sleep the first night in a hostel in the city and move to the mountain shelter located in Dolina Chocholowska in the early hours of Monday. I have to say that when I sat on the bus and realized I would spend the next 7 hours stuck there I wasn't really excited. My mind was full of noise, full of sadness and I started to wonder if I actually wanted to go on this trip, if I really wanted to be alone for the next 3 days and a half in the middle of nowhere. But quitting would have been too easy and I was determined to fight all those negative impulses which normally happen when our spirit is down and we are about to face an unknown reality. Then the bus took off, there was no coming back anyway! The trip was normal, nothing special to add except for the fact that the AC was right on top of me and blowing really cold air which almost got me sick in my throat. It didn't really help my overall mood to spend 7hours fearing I would get sick even before arriving and there was nothing I could do about it, stuck in a totally packed bus. Luckily I managed to not get sick!!!

As soon as most of people dropped off in Krakow and the bus got almost empty, that's when I started to feel excited! Night had fallen and now I felt I was going to the unknown, I was about to start exploring. There was no safe place to go to and there was no familiar faces to find refuge with, I was on my own and for the first time in this trip, I felt lighter, I felt in touch with life, right there. I had been missing that sensation. I couple of hours later the bus arrived to the main station in Zakopane. I put my backpack on my shoulders and walked to the hostel where I would be staying in a 10 bed dorm. The girl at reception was very friendly and gave me some tips about the trails I should do and other practical information for the next morning. I took a shower and went to bed as I wanted to wake up at 6.30am on the next day. That's when the first magic moment happened. I don't know how to properly explain it but I remember to be trying to sleep and realize there was a lot of noise in my head which suddenly stopped to give space to the most peaceful silence I could imagine in that room, where 5 other people were sleeping. I opened my eyes and I couldn't hear anything, no sound whatsoever. The amazing thing is that I just noticed there was noise in my head when the silence appeared. It was just beautiful, one of those moments you won't forget.


Monday the 26th. The day started with a quick breakfast in the hostel at 7am before heading to the mini buses are located right next to the train station. The sun was starting to timidly show up in between the clouds and there was almost no one on the streets. Luckily I didn’t have to wait much for the bus and in a second there I was already on the way to Siwa Polana, the entrance point in the Tatra National Park closest to the mountain shelter I was staying in Glade Chocholowska. I knew that as soon as the bus would stop, I would need to walk for about two hours to reach the shelter and was with that sense of purpose that I started walking, with my two backpacks (a smaller one filled mostly with food to carry to the mountains). By this time, the sun was already glowing and those early morning rays were blissful and flooded me with energy. The way to the shelter was quite easy in a paved road which was accompanied by a beautiful water stream.

It was also very peaceful at that time of the day, only a few people walking the opposite direction to probably catch a bus to other valleys. I was very excited at this time, as I started to be surrounded by beautiful nature and I didn’t know what was ahead, I just knew I needed to keep walking.
I managed to make the way in less than two hours but I was drenched in sweat when I finally arrived to the shelter. I climbed the last steps, stopped at the entrance, threw my bags on the floor and started taking off my clothes to cool off. Then I took and moment to enjoy all the beauty around me and was so happy to realize I’d stay in this idyllic place for two nights! I was really amped up and barely couldn’t wait to start exploring the trails! I wanted to go up the mountain, I wanted to go high and marvel with all the promised beauty in front of my eyes. I couldn’t check in yet, so I asked for a map with the trails and sat in the breakfast room putting coffee in my canteen and planning which trails I would do and counting the hours needed to see if I would be able to finish it before nightfall.


I decided to do the green trail all the way to Wolowiec (2064m) and then return passing by Rakon (1879m) and Grzes (1653m), using the blue and yellow trails to get back to the shelter. All in all, would take me around 5 hours of walking so it seemed doable for a first day, I didn’t know how the trails would be and how tired I would get. I left at exactly 10.30am, fully equipped.


to be continued.... (maybe!)

Posted by ZackMeursault 12:29 Archived in Poland Comments (0)

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