visions from the East, my new harbour.
In late September 2015 I deliberately sank a ship called "My Life". That ship had been adrift for some months and it seemed too lost in the vastness of the "What do do? ocean". As the captain and sole passenger of that ship, I made the decision to drown it in the depths of memory, jump off to unknown waters and start swimming. I had no life boat nor life jacket, just a fierce resolve in swimming towards new lands and new opportunities. So I confidently swam with nothing in my mind besides one vision. A vision that kept me afloat, almost recklessly, almost blindly through the darkest storms of the mind.
A few weeks later, someone threw me a buoy from afar, from the East. A buoy called real friendship which towed me from deep, revolving waters towards an "island" where I could catch my breath for a moment. As I explored that island, I realized how beautiful it seemed to me and how much I wanted to stay there. It was very similar to the vision that was guiding me before, but I knew I couldn't stay there forever. There weren't enough supplies for me to stay there indefinetely so I knew I would have to go back to the vast ocean sooner or later and continue my journey trying to find a firm, steady shore. This time however, I wouldn't be swimming anymore, I started building another small ship called "New Life". For some weeks I worked hard on building it, while enjoying the beauty around me and experiencing the little pleasures that magnificent island had to offer. And just like that my boat was ready and I was sailing again. It felt so good to be again my own captain, the captain of "New Life". Feeling the breeze in my face, I pointed at the blue horizon and went straight to it, like a true explorer, a true dreamer.
I didn't sail for long though.
The very first days of 2016 brought, as if by some ethereal coincidence, the glorious winds that steered me towards firm land. Equally wild and beautiful as the island before, but filled with provisions and opportunities for me to stay here and discover a new world. I don't have to worry anymore. I will dock my ship for a while here and work on improving it. Day after day, I will make "New Life" a bigger, stronger ship. I have no illusions, it's hard to build a ship from scratch and I will have to work hard on it. Nonetheless, experience tells me that with great effort, comes great reward. Not necessarily material reward, I'm talking only about spiritual reward.
"New Life" will be a very different ship than "My Life". It's gonna be more pragmatic, more developed and stable. "My life" was young and vigorous, crusading the ocean as a free spirit, no strings attached to anything. "New life" will keep the same irrefutable, almost unbearable desire for living a poetic life, but it will try to do so in a more mature, compromised way thus avoiding more turbulent waters.
But if I shall ever feel lost again, I will not hesitate for one second in imploding "New Life". That's the only way to live the life you want. When nothing or no one can stop you from holding up to that shiny, sparkling light that guides you either during the highest heights of happiness and ecstasy or in the deepest depths of darkness, fear and confusion.
As for now, I will take as much time as I can to enjoy the moment and savour all the small, yet of gigantic meaning, gestures of kindness I have been lucky to experience over the past couple of months. There's nothing more humbling than to launch yourself towards the unknown and realize that some kind souls will hold you and prevent you from falling into the abyss. Over the past months I discovered (or rediscovered) the true meaning of family and friendship as well as unconditional love and selfless kindness.
I couldn't feel luckier. And that says it all.