One dream, a thousand ways to get there

Today I found myself thinking obsessively in the concept of change and how much changing affects our perception of reality and the world around us. And I realized that I'm changing constantly, while keeping a steady direction. I also perceive those changes as improvements in my personality, although we don't necessarily always change for better.

Question is: will I keep changing forever? I feel that if I keep changing, I'll end up alone. But I also think I should keep following my own path, because I know it's the right one for me. As I keep changing, I also keep needing new people in my life which replace some of the "old" ones. But I think this process causes too many "casualties" and I often regret how things turned out with some persons.

I guess I could write extensively about this, but I won't reach any conclusion other than the fact I need to find a way to control the drastic impacts of my own changes in my life, the sudden need to start from scratch, to "erase" some people and add new ones. Otherwise, one day it might be too late to "change back".

I'll end this post with the good words of Shannon Hoon, in the song "Change"...

"And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and say, and they'll say,
Hey look at him! I'll never live that way.
But that's okay
they're just afraid to change."

Yesterday, I went through my old myspace account. To a time where Facebook was still an unknown little baby and Myspace was ruling the world! And I used to have a blog there too, writing about all and nothing, without any fear to share stuff, as Myspace was almost unknown amongst my portuguese friends.

I haven't been in my myspace account for more than 2 years and I had forgotten the stuff I wrote there dating from 2007 till late 2009. Yesterday, I read a post, dated 30th June 2007, exactly one year after my departure from Budapest, and in the midst of my final graduation exams, that I find extremely deep and showing the roots of who I became since then. Somehow, it's like watching two different lives, but lived by the same person...

So I invite you to come with me to this trip into the past, to the 23 year old version of me, a law student back in 2007... Fasten your seatbelt, the ride is going to be bumpy!

Disclaimer: Any similarity with my present life is pure coincidence

"I've have to admit that I never expected my life to turn the shit it became...I've put myself in a hole and it seems I just can't get out of it. For no reason...Aparentely, I have everything. But deep inside something is missing and I dunno what it is, and that is burning me inside and it's getting each day worse.

I feel disconnected from everything, nothing brings me joy, I feel lonely and empty. And I feel too frustrated to try to change, too apathic to actually change it. And that's what worrying me. I feel like giving up fighting for what I really want for me and for this world. Hope was lost along the way...

Even in the relation with the others around me...No one interests me, I don't feel capable of loving someone...I'm stucked in the past regarding to that, and despite knowing past is over, I can't move on and I don't understand why...I was always so good in controlling my emotions, learning with mistakes, moving on...So why can't I do it now, WHY?

One year ago I was at the top of the world, I was feeling great! Was about to end the best year in my life and I was full of plans and dreams for a new stage in my life. Returning to my country and "start-over"...

How naive I was, for thinking that everything would be fine and the past wouldn't haunt me! Soon after returning I realized everything was the same. The people, the places, my life. But I was different, I had changed...And the people seemed boring, the places boring, my life boring...But I was thinking that I'd rather be alone than in bad company, so I was doing the things I really liked, even if I had to do them alone...And for awhile, I was happy!

But now, it seems I was trying to convince myself about that "happiness"...it was based in glass ceilings and time proved it, when the ceiling just broke and I realized I have nothing. And the worst part is that the problem is not only in the others, but also in me. So i'm part of the problem and I don't have the solution. And honestly, I don't see the light in the end of the tunnel...

It's been a long time, since I was in love, and I think I'm missing it way too much. Because love is what brings colour to one's life. Or maybe I'm missing a good friend, with whom we can share my life and count with. Or maybe I'm just missing to have a great group of friends with whom I really enjoy and have fun. In a word, I'm missing something to enlight my life, to make it worth. I don't call life to this thing I'm having right now. And we only live once...I'm wasting precious time...

Some people say I can't complain. I'm about to graduate, have this great job waiting for me, good money possibilities. All this for me is shit. But I just can't get away from it, because I can't disappoint my family. Not for now. Or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse for my lack of courage. I dunno...

For me life is something higher than just get a job, marry and have kids. I hate the routine, I hate the average way of living. And people tend to live in bubbles, conforming themselves with what happens to their lives until that one day, they die. Maybe this is just too easy...to give up...FUCK IT, I CAN'T GIVE UP, NOT NOW!

I'm 23, this is the time for being a rebel, to have beliefs and fight for them. It's the time to make travels, like Che did, crossing the entire south america.Or like Kerouac and his good friend Neal Cassady, driving or hitchiking from coast ot coast in the US in the 50's, searching the perfection of the moment. They were searching for something I can't even explain, but that I understand, because I feel the same. This huge desire for the beauty of the moment, the run against the time, the constant seek of sensations. Now it's the time to do something for the ones who suffer, it's time to spend nights talking about the great questions about life and the universe. It's time to be wild, to commit crazy acts, to have no limits. Someone said, the sky is the limit! So, fuck it, let's fucking live...And I feel like I'm not living...

I know many people shares the same thoughts as I, but I'm not surrounded by people as such, that's where my problem is. I look around, in my little world, and i find noone sharing the same attitude towards life, no one able to trade the confort of their lives for some higher purpose...I see young people with old mentalities.

LOVE...wouldn't be just perfect to fall in love for someone with the same ideals, the same desires? Someone who would enter this world or mine and let me enter in hers and together, the world would be ours? Is it possible? I believe in soulmates, but I know they are hard to find. But I won't give up. Yes, I won't give up, I need to remind that to myself, for not be, like I said above, stuck in the fucking past. Because staying in the past means thinking of someone who I know it's not my soulmate, and that only represents a memory of good times, but where future doesn't exist. Thinking of her, means only that i'm giving up from what I believe in everything in my life. Thinking of the possibility of staying with her is equal to give up all my dreams and to what I want for my life. I even know she's not the person I seek...

So why is that person stills bothers me? To the point of being sad like shit on a friday night, just because she has a new person in her life? This is not normal...and I'm having a hard time to comprehend why I'm still suffering because of her. I think she represents the combination of all my frustrations together. But then again, this is a trick that my mind does...like in the song "without her, you have no one else to blame, but yourself..." So maybe I'm blamming her to avoid blame myself. Fuck her and all that we had. I need to lock that in a dark and hidden place in my mind.

Probably noone is going to read this so far (maybe only you, martina), but this blog stuff is my new healing process. Writting is my way of healing...And I don't give a fuck to what people might think. Those wo care, will understand. To the others who will never understand, i say FUCK YOU! (this capital letters all the time show that i'm really angry against the world, no?)

I'm not angry and against the world...maybe i'm just angry against what i made out of my life...

until the next time... "

Wow, just realized it's been 200 days since I started this blog! Time is flying and I am getting more and more excited about the trip and feeling great about it!

So today I feel like sharing what I'm planning to be the last stretch of my trip. I will go from LA to San Francisco driving along the world famous Pacific Coast Highway, which "runs through some of the most beautiful coastlines in the world" (quoting Wikipedia). See pictures below (taken from the internet).

Being an ocean lover and having never been by the Pacific, this last part of my trip is one that will certainly be remarkable. I can imagine already the beautiful beaches waiting for me, the nice sunsets, the relaxing times by the water, after more than a month away from the ocean!

What I can't imagine is in which condition (mentally and physically) I will get there, but I'm curious about it. What person will I be by then? Time will tell!

I'm planning to take the last 10 days of my trip for this part. Staying a couple of says in San Francisco and then returning on a fast drive to Los Angeles to catch a plane back to Boston and then fly back to Porto, on the 29th of August! Now that I think of it, it's kind of weird to think about the end of all this! I guess you and I have to stay tuned for the next chapters of this great endeavour!

Here's what's waiting for me on the other side of the world!

I guess it's about time to start making some specific calculations and plans... But that attempt is only leading to more confusion! There's too much to do, too much to see and a huge fear of making the wrong decisions.

Question is: how can a guy that doesn't like to plan, plan something like this?

The more I look to USA map, the more confused I get! Guess I need to choose, oh, how I hate to choose!

For those of you who can actually relate to these lyrics and understand what I'm trying to say...

"ain't it funny how we pretend we're still a child
softly stolen under our blanket skies
and rescue me from me, and all that i believe
i won't deny the pain
i won't deny the change
and should i fall from grace here with you
will you leave me too?

carve out your heart for keeps in an old oak tree
and hold me for goodbyes-and-whispered lullabyes
and tell me i am still
the man i'm supposed to be
i won't deny the pain
i won't deny the change
and should i fall from grace here with you
will you leave me too?

too late to turn to turn back now, i'm running out of sound
and i am changing, changing
and if we died right now, this fool you love somehow
is here with you
i won't deny the pain
i won't deny the change
and should i fall from grace here with you
would you leave me too?"

"Galapogos" by The Smashing Pumpkins