Attraction. Pleasure. Attachment. Fulfillment. Satisfaction. Boredom.
I have spent most of my existence trying to figure out a lot of stuff about life, myself and the world around me. This blog itself is a testament to that with a lot of introspection I had over the past 6 years. And, to be honest, until some weeks/months ago I thought I had grasped the key elements to lead a fulfilling and satisfactory journey on this Earth. For years I have been (or trying to) deprogramming myself from all the conditioning present in our lives from the moment we are born. From an early age I started to ask questions and was lucky enough to find many answers in books, music, films, experiences or people I have met along the way. I thought I was going in the right direction: free from any attachment to money, comfort, power, career or whatever other materialistic instruments of dependence our society fiercely tries to impose on each one of us, I was feeling ready to fully embrace existence and experience it in all possible ways.
However, as the years passed, I started to notice a pattern in my life. A frequent repetition of the same events and the same situations, as if in some kind of an endless replay of similar phenomena that wouldn’t go away, no matter what. And the older I got, the more helpless I started feeling, especially after all the decisions I have made that led me to a terrible winter in Warsaw and gave me the opportunity to contemplate my own life.
And for a while, I have to admit that I had a hard time looking at all that and still feel optimist about the future, my future. I started to worry whether I would be able to finally break free from those cycles or if I was doomed to live them over and over again until the very end. For the first time in many years I started doubting my own path. I couldn’t find a satisfactory answer anywhere. I was feeling trapped and, at the same time, disappointed for still not being able to shatter those vicious cycles affecting my life and damaging my peacefulness. In one word, I was frustrated and scared.
And then the light came again. All it took was a tiny, tiny book, recommended by a friend. In those pages lies the answer to all the doubts I was having. And I finally could see the way to break the cycle. I realized I had spent 33 years of my life figuring out a lot of important stuff but I had taken for granted the most important element and the one I always thought was naturally incorporated in me, the one I thought was actually one of my strongest features: how to properly LOVE and experience life knowing what love really means. How wrong and deluded I was…
Reading that book was like being mentally beaten, almost every page contained some life lesson to me, something that would completely obliterate my previous beliefs about what love means. I often felt ignorant and kind of an idiot for never having been able to realize such things, which now seem so obvious. But at the same time (and the book is all about becoming aware), I started to feel peace in being aware of my own misconceptions, my wrong views. Then again I started to contemplate my life and the path became again clear and vivid. All the clouds went away, all the doubts vanished and I could envision a future completely free from the shackle called ATTACHMENT, in all its forms, whether it’s love, money, success or whatever drags us to frustration and unhappiness sooner or later.
I’m aware that it is not going to be easy to change. It’s going to take a lot of effort and even a lot of resilience to endure the opposing forces, both internal and external, that will be always present in this world. The book argues that most of people are asleep during their short lives and most of them will inevitably reject all and every potential disturbance to their “sleep”. They won’t even dare to wake up and search for the TRUTH. They will settle for some story they are told from day one and they will die without ever having truly lived. But that’s none of my business and the trick is to embrace everyone and their differences, even their blissful ignorance.
For all it’s worth, I believe that now I see the way ahead of me and that’s all I need…
PS - Those who know me, know my tendency to remember dates. Although it's over midnight now, I started writing this post on April 13th. One year ago, I had flown to Italy for a short vacation. On that day, I drove through the beautiful landscapes of Tuscany as the sun was going down. Sitting next to me was the most beautiful woman in the world whose hand I was holding while we listened to the songs in my ipod . The beauty of the moment was so unbearable that tears of joy started running through our faces as we looked at each other. No words were needed, they would only have diminished the pure connection we felt in that moment. I guess that love was traveling with us in those unforgettable minutes. Just that and other moments long before and long after compensate for all the suffering that life contains.
Today, one year later, I had the utmost normal day a person can have. Nonetheless, and although my mind often reminded me of Tuscany, I'm sitting in my room, looking through the window as I write these words and happy to go to sleep without feeling sad but rather happy and blessed for all that I have and don't have anymore.
All that matters is the REALITY OF NOW.